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Unintended Communication

Do your values and vision for your family match what your kids are hearing? Sometimes, we may be undermining our own goals and ideals by communicating the wrong messages to our kids. In this episode of Stronger Families, Stronger Church, we’ll explore "unintentional communication" and the effects it can have while also providing some ways we can turn things around immediately.

Questions for discussion:

  1. Are there any areas in which you have had unintentional communication?
  2. If so, what are, or can the results be in your kids?
  3. What does it reveal about your heart, faith and or convictions?
  4. And what's the next step for you?

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OC Church of Christ

Transcript
Marcel:

Welcome to the stronger family, stronger church podcast.

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My name is Marcel Hall.

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Here's my beautiful, lovely wife Karina

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Karina: Hey everybody.

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Marcel: now we started this podcast

because we wholeheartedly believe

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that if you have stronger families,

you'll have a stronger church.

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So we aim with this podcast to equip

parents of all ages, with tips and

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resources to help you grow godly families.

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Today's topic, communication, now

we all know, no matter what the

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relationship is, parents, sibling,

roommate, boss, spouse, whatever the

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case may be, communication is key.

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Now we also know there are two

forms of communication, verbal

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and nonverbal communication.

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We also want to suggest that there's

a third form of communication and

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that's unintended communication.

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Yes.

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Unintended communication.

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Karina.

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What is unintended communication?

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Karina: Well, I found a formal definition.

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And it says meanings given off

by an individual's body language

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through nonverbal leakage or

unconsciously signified by their

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appearance dress or behavior.

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Including whatever may be noticeable

by its absence in a particular context.

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So basically it just

means what we communicate.

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Unintentionally what we communicate

through our silence, through

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our words, through our actions,

through the absence of actions.

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And.

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The kind of messages that

we send through that.

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Marcel: Let's give an example.

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So I'm from the eighties.

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So we go way back.

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Some of you can relate to this.

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Where we had house phones and you

would get house calls and sometimes

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you get house calls from telemarketers

or sometime friends and family

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members, whatever the case may be.

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And there was times when my mom

loved my mom to death, but there

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was times when my mom would tell

me once I was answering the phone.

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That she was not available or not home.

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Now mind you, I'm looking at her,

she's available and she's home.

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But I go, I try to be a good son.

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I obey.

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I tell the person she's not available.

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She's not home.

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Whatever the case may be.

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Now, what was the

unintended communication?

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What it was communicated, unbeknownst to

my mom, was it's okay to lie at times.

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When you don't feel like

it when it's convenient.

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When it behooves you,

whatever the case may be.

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There are times it is justifiable to lie.

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Now my mom wasn't intentionally

trying to communicate this to me.

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No, but it was unintended communication.

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I will say this.

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I don't blame him on for any of my past

lies or any temptation to lie today.

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But those things did contribute to it.

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Here is the key.

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We are called, in Proverbs 22, verse

6, it reads, Start children off in the

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way they should go, and even when they

are old, they will not turn from it.

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And here's a call, but here's also

our desire is that we want our

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kids, we want to do a great job

parenting and we want to set them

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up for lifelong spiritual success.

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And that's the goal here in mind that

when they're old, they will have their

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own faith and they won't turn from it.

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But our communication and

what we intentionally and

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unintentionally communicate is vital.

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So when it comes to unintentional

communication, that can affect our

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kid's faith, their view of God,

their view of discipleship, their

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discipleship, and their character

with our unintended communication.

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So let's talk about some areas and

some ways, in which we can do this.

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Karina: The first area we want to talk

about is what we communicate through

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our participation in God's church.

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So we say that God and his

church are important, but could

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we potentially be communicating

something different to our children?

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Marcel: Number one schoolwork over

ministry events or schoolwork while we are

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at church events, a la a midweek service.

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What's communicated?

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Well, school is more important than God.

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That's what's being communicated.

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That's priority.

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Now, eventually this will lead to work

being more important to God or sports or

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leisure time, whatever the case may be.

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Those things are more important.

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Then God, we're not trying

to communicate that.

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But it's unintended communication.

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Another one being late

or missing church events,

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What's communicated this time.

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Well, church, worship of

God, the fellowship, all of

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those are not that important.

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But some of us were very.

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It's super important that we get to school

on time or rushing to get to the movies on

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time, concerts, whatever the case may be.

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However, when we miss or we're late

to church, it communicates something.

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It communicates.

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It's not that important.

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It's not important enough for us to

be there on time or even to be early.

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Another area when we have kids choose

when they want to go to church events.

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What's communicated this time?

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Well, what's communicated is

that you make decisions based on

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what you feel and what you like.

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That's, what's being communicated

decision-making is based on what

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you feel and what you like, which

can produce salad bar Christianity.

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What is salad bar Christianity?

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Well, salad bar.

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You go to the salad bar, you pick

and choose what you like and you

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don't eat what you don't like.

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Me, I don't like crutons.

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I don't like crutons, so I

stay away from that stuff.

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So in the same way, when it comes to

our faith, we pick and choose what

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we like - what's most convenient,

what we feel like at that time.

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Now we all know that a true disciple

of Jesus doesn't have salad bar

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Christianity, but this is the unintended

communication when we have our kids

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choose when they want to go based

on what they like or what they feel.

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Karina: Yes, I think it's important that.

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We realize that how we view and treat

God and church does make a difference

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because we want to be teaching our

kids a commitment to Christ and

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his body rather than commitment to

entertainment, preference, or even self.

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And it's such a tricky thing

to do because we can easily.

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Communicate the wrong

message with our actions.

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And we want our children to

see that God and his church.

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, it's the family of believers and not just

another block of time in our schedules.

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We want them to see that it's

a way of life versus a weekly

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activity that we participate in.

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Marcel: Another area.

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Kids not involved in worship when

our kids are not involved in worship.

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What this communicates is

that that's a parent thing.

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Or it's not a family

thing or a doesn't mean.

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That us, the kids or the youth that we

should engage in the worship of God.

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Now, I know we don't believe that.

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But when we just have them there, but not

being involved, then this communicates.

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You know what?

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This is informed me, worshiping of God.

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Isn't geared for me.

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Karina: I would just add that it's

important to note that it's not just about

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how we involve our kids in the worship,

but also how they see us worship being,

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if they see us uninterested and unengaged,

that communicate something as well.

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Okay, moving on to our next topic.

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We want to talk about the

unintended messages we send.

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W.

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By letting our child wear or do whatever.

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They would like with their attire or body.

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And what we mean by this is

allowing or purchasing a tire.

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That doesn't align with our values.

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What messages do we send with this?

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For example, t-shirts with inappropriate

messages or a tire that's too revealing.

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Marcel: Now you have a funny

story about this, right?

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Karina: So, yeah, a little bit when

I was probably in about third grade.

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I remember my brother, my older

brother given me a t-shirt

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that had a bad word in it.

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And it was supposed to be a funny t-shirt.

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And I remember just wearing

it to school because.

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To me, it just was a funny t-shirt.

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Um, but my teacher didn't think it was

so funny and I don't remember all that

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happened after that, but I I'm pretty

sure the discussion centered around

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me not wearing that again to school.

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Marcel: And so what do you

think that communicated to you?

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Karina: Well, I'm not sure I remember

all that it communicated, but I think

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ultimately it communicated that.

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It was okay.

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It was okay to use that

language and even funny.

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And so I think that's what we can do.

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Ourselves.

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Bye.

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Being silent or by buying our kids,

the things that are inappropriate.

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It's we communicate that it's okay.

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That it doesn't.

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It's not that big of a deal.

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Marcel: So ultimately the inappropriate is appropriate?

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Karina: Right.

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And I think a lot of times we can

be uncomfortable around this topic.

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I think it definitely makes

me uncomfortable even talking

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about this because we want

to get it right as parents.

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And we don't want our kids to feel bad.

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We don't want our kids to feel mad at

us or to feel like we're too strict or

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being prudish.

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And so we start feeling insecure about

our views and our, we just being old

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school or are we just being old fashioned?

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But I do think the spirit prompts us

and we have to listen to the spirit,

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ultimately we want our kids to learn, to

express themselves in a way that aligns

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with your family's Christian values.

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Marcel: Let's go with another one.

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Not following through with discipline.

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What's communicated this time.

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Well, there's no consequences for actions.

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Now we all know whether you're in

the faith or you're outside the faith

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of Jesus Christ, there's no world in

which we live in in which there are

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no consequences for poor choices.

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But when we don't follow through with

discipline then our kids start to

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understand that I will not suffer the

consequences in life or in my faith

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because I'd never received consequences

that were promised or I was warned with.

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And so I know we don't want to

communicate that the, which will

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shortcut or undercut their faith, but

also even their character development

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and even their success in life.

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Now, there are many other areas

I'm sure we can talk about, but

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these are some of the common areas.

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So now the question is, well,

what can we learn and take away

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from unintended communication?

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Well, Be careful what we communicate.

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Our decisions, our values, our actions.

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They all communicate

louder, then our words.

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And so we need to be very mindful

and very careful about what we are

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communicating with our choices,

our values and our actions.

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Because they all communicate things

intentionally and unintentionally.

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I want to read a verse in Philippians

chapter four, verse nine, the apostle

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Paul says something is so powerful

and it's applicable to us as parents.

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He says in verse nine, whatever you

have learned or received or heard

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from me or seen in me, sounds like

parenting, put it into practice and

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the God of peace will be with you.

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Paul is confident that what he has

taught, what he has given, his integrity,

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his example, is worthy of imitation.

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And that he is communicated

clearly and correctly and properly

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the will of God for our lives.

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As parents, we need to have the same

confidence in our values, decisions

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and actions, that they are worthy of

imitation and they're communicating

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properly the will of God and God's

character and what it's like to

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live as a citizen and God's kingdom.

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So we have to be mindful and

careful of what we communicate.

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We have to think long-term about how we're

building faith and character in our kids.

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So what should we do and what can we

do, right after we finish this episode?

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Well, number one, don't freak out.

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But repent.

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Karina, can you explain a

little bit more about that?

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Karina: Yeah, you don't need to overreact.

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You don't need to be down or

question everything you've ever done.

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Simply identify the areas that

God is putting on your heart.

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That.

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Uh, need a different perspective or

needed different actions to be taken.

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It reminds me of just recently we

noticed in our evening prayers with

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the kids, they just could not focus.

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And they were all over the place.

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And I think we realized we had

done that unintentionally.

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And there was a missing reverence

for God, because we had kind of

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just let the prayers go however

they wanted and be in whatever

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part of the room that they wanted.

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And so they would be distracted

or playing at the same time.

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And so, it required us to just bring it

to their attention and make the change.

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Marcel: Number two have necessary talks.

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So, if you are married, you want to talk

with your spouse and get on the same page

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and having honest evaluation and review of

decisions, values, culture, environment.

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That's taking place in

your home with your kids.

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And being honest about it.

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And then making some choices even

to have conversations with our kids.

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There's nothing more memorable for a kid

then a parent apologizing, sincerely,

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but following it up with true repentance.

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We've been involved with youth ministry

and students for what, 20 years now.

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And it is so remarkable how students

share about those times when they

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reflect upon the example their parents

set, when they change, and repented.

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I'm telling you there's nothing that

speaks louder, no family devotional

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that sticks with the kids than seeing

their parents turn from, uh, outside

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being outside of God's will and now

being aligned to God's will with their

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life, their teachings and values.

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And so one encourage us with that.

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Number three, get help.

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Let's explain a little

bit more about get help.

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Asking for advice.

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Getting advice from our peer

parents, from, kids that grew up

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in the church, people to have great

perspective, but especially from

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parents who have gone through it.

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To get advice, get input,

and to ask people, Hey, what

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do you see in my parenting?

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Do you see anything I'm communicating that

is unintentional that can actually have

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a negative impact upon my kids' faith?

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And then obviously lastly,

again, be mindful and careful

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of what we communicate.

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We all mess up as parents.

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God is the only perfect parent.

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So the goal is not perfection.

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but in the words of John and

Karen, Louie, and their book,

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We can be good enough parents.,

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parents who honor God and who

try our very best and faithfully

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instill faith into our kids.

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And so may we also be able

to say this to our kids.

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And may they also take the faith the same

way Paul said to the church, whatever you

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have learned or received or heard from

me or seen in me, put it into practice

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and the God of peace will be with you.

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And so we want to give you also

some questions for reflection,

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maybe discussion with a friend.

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Uh, spouse, whatever the case may be.

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And so we want to give you some questions.

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So here are some of the questions.

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Karina: Are there any areas in which you

have had unintentional communication?

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What are, or can the

results be in your kids?

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What does it reveal about your

heart, faith and or convictions?

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And what's the next step for you?

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Marcel: Now we really want

this to be successful , for all

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of us here that are listening.

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And so we really want to call upon

God right now in prayer and really

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ask for him to bless us as we

evaluate as we receive and as we grow

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in our communication in parenting.

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So let's pray.

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Father.

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I thank you so much.

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For your word.

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I thank you so much for

your mercy and grace.

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I thank you for our kids.

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I thank you for the

opportunity to be parents.

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And God we pray right now.

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We want to be humble.

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We want to be honest.

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We want your spirit to reveal truth.

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We want your spirit to convict in

areas which need to be brought out.

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And father, we pray that

we can humbly respond.

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We can humbly accept.

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And father, we can joyfully,

uh, rejoice in your grace,

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mercy and patience with this.

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And rejoice in the opportunity

to grow and repent and to make

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changes in, in to growing be better.

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And so father, I pray that every single

soul that listens father, that you

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will bless them and their efforts to

train and start their children off.

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And the way to go into faith and God, I

pray that we will be able to share with

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others what we are learning and father

your blessing will be upon our families.

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And we will see.

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Us grow into the image of Christ

and we are, see our kids be set

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up for lifelong spiritual success

in the name of Jesus, Amen.

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Karina: Thanks for listening to stronger

families, stronger church podcasts.

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We hope this episode will be

a blessing to your family.

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If you want to get connected to us

or want to donate to the program,

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click on the link on the podcast

player or in the notes section.

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We also have a Facebook group of

the same name, stronger family,

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stronger church that you can join.

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Join us next time for our next episode

of stronger families, stronger church.

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Welcome to the Stronger Families, Stronger Church podcast, a resource for the North OC Church of Christ Family Ministry. Here you will find insightful episodes essential for parents of children of all ages.

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